Mostly wordless Wednesday

Here is what it looked like in my house today lol

Sorrow

sor·row

  [sor-oh, sawr-oh]  Show IPA

noun

1.

distress caused by loss, affliction, disappointment, etc.; grief, sadness, or regret.

2.

a cause or occasion of grief or regret, as an affliction, a misfortune, or trouble: His first sorrow wasthe bank failure.

3.

the expression of grief, sadness, disappointment, or the like: muffled sorrow.

verb (used without object)

4.

to feel sorrow; grieve.

Origin: 
before 900;  (noun) Middle English; Old English sorg;  cognate with German Sorge, Dutch zorg, Old Norse sorg,Gothic saurga;  (v.) Middle English sorwen, Old English sorgian;  cognate with Old High German sorgôn

Sorrow to me is the the worst of all emotions. I never know who to talk to about it or how to handle it. I end up snapping at those around me and closing myself off from everyone. Six years ago today I talked to my dad for the last time. The next morning my world and my mother's world were turned upside down when dad died very suddenly of a heart attack. What made it harder for me was that the day before my dad died my best friend had my second godson. I was so excited and proud to be an aunt again!! That night I phoned my dad and was bragging to him about the baby.The last words that we ever said to each other were I love you. For me this was a rare gift. I knew my dad loved me there was never a doubt in my mind. But he wasn't one to say it often so when he did I glowed!

So much has changed in the last six years. Other family members passing, babies being born, weddings, divorces, job changes and so much more. I think dad would like where I ended up and I know he would love my husband. There is no doubt in my mind of that. 

Even now there are songs and phrases and scents that can make me feel sorrow so deep that I have to stop whatever it is that I am doing and have a good cry. It doesn't happen as often as it used to and it hits me like a freight train when it does happen but it does still happen.

I guess that I am writing this post for myself more then for anyone else. I feel that with everything going on with my health I need to get these feelings out so that tomorrow will be easier for me to deal with and I can celebrate the man he was instead of missing the man that he was. I will always love him and I will always miss him but I will also do my best to always celebrate him and make him proud even though he is no longer physically with us.

I am attaching a link to dad's obituary for those who knew him and those who didn't and would like to know a little more about him:

http://www.beaulacfuneralhome.com/obits/printpdf.php?oid=216782&cs=ca081167854fe4809cf4573a639f7a69&ap=1

A time for Joy

joy

  [joi]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keenpleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.

2.

a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated:Her prose style is a pure joy.

3.

the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4.

a state of happiness or felicity.

verb (used without object)

5.

to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.

Joy. Three letters. One syllable. Such a small word. Such big promise. So many things can bring us joy. For me it is my husband, my job, my fur babies, my family and friends and sunny days.

My husband is the perfect man for me. He gets my sense of humor and he encourages it. He holds me when I am weak and stands at my side when I am strong. He allows me to feel whatever I am feeling and doesn't demean me when the feelings aren't what he thinks I should be feeling. Marrying him was the best decision that I ever made. Must have been his super sensitive proposal "what do you think? Wanna get hitched?"

My job as a nanny brings me joy in more ways then I can express. Not being able to have children and being allowed to help raise these two girls is amazing. Just today the baby walked from the dining room to the living room and the pride and joy that coursed through my heart was incredible!!! And the oldest one, who is three, may not talk much but she has the BEST sense of humor and she makes me laugh daily. I am truly blessed to have these little angels in my life.

My cats bring me joy daily with their antics. Their personalities are so very different that it really does make them seem like siblings. They fight and play and cuddle and help each other and it is truly a joy to watch them together. We currently have three cats and are getting a fourth at the end of May. He will only be with us for a year but we have had him here before and are excited about having him come back!

My family brings me joy in so many ways that I don't even know where to start. I have five cousins that I consider my siblings. They, like my husband, just get me and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. They are there if I need a shoulder to lean on or a hand to hold and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they always will be. When I get together with them I know that there is going to be a lot of laughter (and maybe a couple of drinks haha). The children of these cousins are my nieces and nephews and they bring me joy in so many ways. I am so proud of each and every one of them and love them more then words can ever say. 

My friends are another extension of my family and I am so grateful to have them when things are rough and I need someone to rely on or when things are great and I want someone to have fun with. They come up with the craziest ideas and when we are together it feels like we were never apart and I am eternally grateful for each and every one of them.

Because I am known to have depression I love sunny days. It is so easy to see the beauty in the world when the day is sunny and bright and the world is warm. It makes it hard to believe that there could be anything wrong in the world on a sunny day when everything is green and kids are running and playing and laughing.

These are a few of the things in my life that bring me joy. I know that there are more but these are the ones that I most closely associate with joy.

"Nothing more then feelings"

de·pres·sion

  [dih-presh-uhn] 

noun

1.

the act of depressing.

2.

the state of being depressed.

3.

a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.

4.

sadness; gloom; dejection.

5.

Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and moreprolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression.

6.

dullness or inactivity, as of trade.

7.

Economics . a period during which business, employment, and stock-market values decline severely orremain at a very low level of activity.

8.

the Depression, Great Depression.

9.

Pathology . a low state of vital powers or functional activity.

10.

Astronomy . the angular distance of a celestial body below the horizon; negative altitude.

11.

Surveying . the angle between the line from an observer or instrument to an object below either of them and a horizontal line.

12.

Physical Geography . an area completely or mostly surrounded by higher land, ordinarily having interior drainage and not conforming to the valley of a single stream.

13.

Meteorology . an area of low atmospheric pressure.

To those of us that have been there (and let's face it at one time or another we all have been lol) there is no worse feeling in the world. You feel helpless, lost, not worthy of love or affection or attention. And in extreme cases you may even feel suicidal. I have been there. I have had the urge to end it all. My thoughts were that no one would notice that I was gone. No one would care. Everyone would be relieved if they didn't have to worry about me anymore. They would be happy that I was gone. Each time that that these thoughts occurred to me they were followed by thoughts such as what about your parents? You are their only child. What about your cousins? It would be like losing a sister to some of them. And what about their kids? They would never know their crazy aunt (that's what I strive to be is the crazy aunt who makes them laugh). I prayed. I cried. I drank. These were my coping mechanisms for many years. 

Now that someone close to me is battling these Demons, I am scared. Scared of losing him, scared of never hearing his voice again, scared of never sharing inside jokes and the kind of laughter that only a best friend can provide. 

I am angry. Angry because I can't fix it for him. Angry because he doesn't see himself as I do. Angry because he DOES deserve the best that life can give him. Angry because life has dealt him a shitty hand in so many ways. Angry because I don't understand. Why him? Why couldn't these things have happened to me? And at the risk of offending others (and I do apologize if I do) I am angry because God, whom everyone says is a good God has heaped all of this on the head of the sweetest, most loving, kind, caring person that I know. If He is so good why has He allowed this to happen? Logically I know that it is not His fault. Sometimes it is easier to blame someone that you can't see, can't confront, can't actually hear when you talk to Him. It is easier to turn off your heart and say He doesn't hear me. He doesn't care.

I try so hard to make those around me laugh and smile and be happy. Some days I know I have succeeded. Today is not one of those days. Tomorrow I will try again and hopefully have more success. if not, there is always the next day and the one after that and the one after that. As Dory says "Just keep swimmin just keep swimmin".

So to my bestie with the Demon battle just keep swimmin my love. Tomorrow is another chance to start over and even though we are separated by many miles my heart is always with you and I'm only a phone call or Skype date away. I love you now and I'll love you always.