noun
1.
the act of depressing.
2.
the state of being depressed.
3.
a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.
4.
sadness; gloom; dejection.
5.
Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and moreprolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression.
6.
dullness or inactivity, as of trade.
7.
Economics . a period during which business, employment, and stock-market values decline severely orremain at a very low level of activity.
8.
the Depression, Great Depression.
9.
Pathology . a low state of vital powers or functional activity.
10.
Astronomy . the angular distance of a celestial body below the horizon; negative altitude.
11.
12.
Physical Geography . an area completely or mostly surrounded by higher land, ordinarily having interior drainage and not conforming to the valley of a single stream.
13.
Meteorology . an area of low atmospheric pressure.
To those of us that have been there (and let's face it at one time or another we all have been lol) there is no worse feeling in the world. You feel helpless, lost, not worthy of love or affection or attention. And in extreme cases you may even feel suicidal. I have been there. I have had the urge to end it all. My thoughts were that no one would notice that I was gone. No one would care. Everyone would be relieved if they didn't have to worry about me anymore. They would be happy that I was gone. Each time that that these thoughts occurred to me they were followed by thoughts such as what about your parents? You are their only child. What about your cousins? It would be like losing a sister to some of them. And what about their kids? They would never know their crazy aunt (that's what I strive to be is the crazy aunt who makes them laugh). I prayed. I cried. I drank. These were my coping mechanisms for many years.
Now that someone close to me is battling these Demons, I am scared. Scared of losing him, scared of never hearing his voice again, scared of never sharing inside jokes and the kind of laughter that only a best friend can provide.
I am angry. Angry because I can't fix it for him. Angry because he doesn't see himself as I do. Angry because he DOES deserve the best that life can give him. Angry because life has dealt him a shitty hand in so many ways. Angry because I don't understand. Why him? Why couldn't these things have happened to me? And at the risk of offending others (and I do apologize if I do) I am angry because God, whom everyone says is a good God has heaped all of this on the head of the sweetest, most loving, kind, caring person that I know. If He is so good why has He allowed this to happen? Logically I know that it is not His fault. Sometimes it is easier to blame someone that you can't see, can't confront, can't actually hear when you talk to Him. It is easier to turn off your heart and say He doesn't hear me. He doesn't care.
I try so hard to make those around me laugh and smile and be happy. Some days I know I have succeeded. Today is not one of those days. Tomorrow I will try again and hopefully have more success. if not, there is always the next day and the one after that and the one after that. As Dory says "Just keep swimmin just keep swimmin".
So to my bestie with the Demon battle just keep swimmin my love. Tomorrow is another chance to start over and even though we are separated by many miles my heart is always with you and I'm only a phone call or Skype date away. I love you now and I'll love you always.
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