Depression

Ever have one of those days where you feel like a loser no matter what anyone says to you? Ever have a day where you hated your physical appearance so much that you don't even want to look in the mirror because all you see is a monster staring back at you? That's how I feel tonight. Do I know that others are probably sincere when they say that I'm not ugly? Usually. Does that stop me from hating myself? Sometimes. Do I know that I'm a good person? Yep. I sure do. But that doesn't mean that I don't forget it from time to time. The inner battle of depression and self loathing sometimes feels very scary and very lonely. I have mostly learned how to desk with these negative emotions but sometimes that evil nasty monster still rears its ugly head and I'm left feeling like people don't care or like they are just saying what I want to hear. I know I'm not alone in feeling like this and I know that it's hard to talk about. I know that many people don't talk about it and that it can lead to much bigger problems like self harm and even suicide. I wish there was an easy fix and I wish that there were more resources out there for people suffering from depression. I wish that there was quicker access to mental health professionals. The waiting list to see a professional in my area is right months. That's crazy! I'm glad that I don't have to be on the wait list but at the same time I can't help but worry about those who are. How many lives are going to end because they just can't wait anymore? I guess what I am saying is that if you are reading this and you feel alone and you feel like no one understands please know that I do. I understand how hard it is to cope with the monster that is depression. If you need to talk email me. If you need a friend I'm here. Please don't be afraid or ashamed to reach out. It's true. Sometimes we all need a helping hand.

A Summer of firsts

Once again depression is in the news and in the air. The death of Robin Williams was a tragic loss for his family, for Hollywood and for the entire world in general. He was a brilliant man in so many ways. He is forever immortalized on film and for many of us that were fans this will ease the pain a little. For his family this may be a comfort, but it won't bring him back. It won't ever make their world whole again. That is not the point of this post. I just wanted to acknowledge the tragic loss of a comic genius and say that I hope his family is allowed to mourn their loss in privacy and that those who were close minded enough to bully the daughter of Robin Williams get a visit from Karma in the near future.

The point of this post was to be that the past few weeks in my world have been fabulous on a personal level. First of all my husband's family had a centennial celebration for the family farm. I was kind of dreading it because I don't do well in crowds of people even if I know them, and because I have developed an allergy to the sun and it was an outdoor event. It turned out to be one of the best weekends of the summer!! I met some family that I had heard about but never met. They were SO much fun!! We spent a lot of time with them and as I got to know them I felt the love and acceptance of them and had a blast!!

Then a couple of weeks later we went to a family reunion for my stepfathers family. Again I was nervous and expected to feel awkward and out of place as I so often do. Once again I was proved wrong. Who knew one person could be wrong so many times in one summer haha! Also for the first time that weekend I hauled my fat ass up on to the back of a horse! It took a lot of work and I finally realize how bad my upper body strength is so thank goodness I joined the gym with my bff lol!! After I got off the horse one of my nieces came running over and told me that everyone was laughing at me while I was attempting to get on the horse which cracked me up and she looked at me funny when I explained to her that I was laughing at me too but at least I did it. I think she thought her auntie was coo coo bananas but that's ok! I would rather be that then someone who takes life seriously all the time. Anyhow along with getting on a horse I also went with various family members on wagon rides over the weekend. All in all a great few weeks and a summer that I won't soon forget!!!

1st Wedding Anniversary

So last night my husband and I went out to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. Our real anniversary was July 13, but because I was sick (ear, sinus, throat and lung infection) and my husband was tired we decided to celebrate on a different night.

We decided that we were going to go to Chili's in Saskatoon and then were going to take the ferry home. For those of you who may not know, I LOVE riding on the ferry. I love being on the water period. I feel at peace when I'm near water. Anyhow that has nothing to do with the story really other than the fact that after supper I needed something that would calm and relax me lol.

So we are seated at Chili's and we waited fifteen minutes just for someone to come take our drink order (diet pepsi nothing fancy). OK I'm mildly annoyed but whatever. Two minutes later I'm over it and enjoying a nice conversation. Another fifteen minutes passes and she finally comes back with our (not fancy) diet pepsi and takes our food order. Forty five minutes later we get our food. At this point we have been here for over an hour and I'm getting a little grumpy but trying hard to conceal it for hubby's sake. Before we can even put our forks in our food the waitress is right there asking how everything is. I (rather bitchily I'm afraid) informed her that we JUST got our food and haven't had a chance to take a taste yet. So she then goes, "OK well everything looks good so I'm going to go ahead and say that it's ok." Yeah. You do that honey. Finally we take a bite of our food and.... OH.... MY.... GOODNESS.... it's cold. Hubby's is fine but mine is cold. So I tell him to try a bite maybe I'm just being picky because I'm frustrated. He took a bite and pointed out that there was steam rising from where he took his bite. But it was not warm. Lukewarm at best. So I decided to suck it up and eat it without complaint. Then it happened. I ate a piece of broccoli and it tasted like fabric softener. I'M DONE!!!! Hubby finished eating and we waited another fifteen minutes and our waitress still hadn't come around with our bill. We decided to go pay at the front and I was given the car keys so that I didn't get angry at the staff. It took almost five minutes for hubby to get our bill because she couldn't find it. Ya. NOT going back there again!

We went to Tim Hortons and I got a full meal for less then what we paid there and it was hot, fresh and satisfying. Moral of the story? Next year we're going to Tim's LOL!!!!

Blessings

I have had quite a few jobs in the past but very few have given me the satisfaction that I feel at my current job as a nanny. Seeing the girls grow and laugh and watching their personalities develop is one of the most rewarding things I have ever experienced. This morning I'm sitting in the front yard watching Turtle ride her bike while Baby naps. It's awesome listening to Turtle sing her ABC's while she zooms past. Does she push thr limits if her distance? Of course she does! She's three. Does she listen when I tell her to turn around and come back? Usually. If I threaten her with a timeout lol.

In the nine months that I have been a nanny here I have seen do much growth in both the children and the parents. I always talk about how much I love the kids that I work with but I think it's important that people realize that I love the parents too. They are good people who work hard for their money and provide a beautiful home for their children. The love I see every morning when dad is here really warms my heart. He is very hands on and loving with both girls. And seeing the mom's face when she comes home and sees the girls and all three if their faces light up is priceless.

My family is another huge blessing in my life. Especially my mom and stepdad and stepsisters and some of my aunt's and uncles and cousins who are like parents and siblings to me as well. Without them my life would be boring and I certainly can't make that claim! Lol!

So to my family, friends, coworkers and minions I just want to say thank you for being part of my life and making me feel important. I love you all and can't wait to see what the years to come bring us all! Muah! ♡♡♡♡♡

6am musings

So today was date day with my husband. I LOVE spending time with him! He really is my best friend and knows me better than anyone else. As I've been looking on Facebook over the past few days I have realised how really truly lucky I am. I have a job that I love, a husband that I love and who loves me just as much. Sometimes life gets busy and exhausting and (I know it's hard to believe for those of you that know me well) I get grumpy and feel sorry for myself. I spend a lot of time during these times asking myself "why me? Why do I have diabetes? Why am I unable to have children but people who don't appreciate or want them and abuse them are able to have them? What did I do wrong? Why did my dad die from his heart attack but so many others don't die?" It's easy to fall into these cycles. It's easy to think my life is hard and that no one has the troubles that I do. Sometimes it takes something tiny to snap me out of my mood. Something simple like the girls that I look after giggling or giving me a hug or acting out some silly joke that we have made up. Sometimes it takes more. Sometimes my husband or mom or cousins or friends have to ask me what's up my ass and point out that I have it pretty damned great. It is currently 6 in the morning and as I listen to my husband snore while I write this, I'm envious of his ability to fall asleep quickly and stay that way. And as much as his snoring drives me Batshit crazy, if he wasn't here snoring I would physically feel the pain of missing it. So all in all even though things aren't always the way I might want them to be I have it pretty good. A snoring and loving husband is better then being alone and being lonely (for me anyhow:-). And now I'm going to try to sleep so that I don't fall asleep while getting my hair done in a few hours and dream of the life I love.

Mostly wordless Wednesday

Here is what it looked like in my house today lol

Sorrow

sor·row

  [sor-oh, sawr-oh]  Show IPA

noun

1.

distress caused by loss, affliction, disappointment, etc.; grief, sadness, or regret.

2.

a cause or occasion of grief or regret, as an affliction, a misfortune, or trouble: His first sorrow wasthe bank failure.

3.

the expression of grief, sadness, disappointment, or the like: muffled sorrow.

verb (used without object)

4.

to feel sorrow; grieve.

Origin: 
before 900;  (noun) Middle English; Old English sorg;  cognate with German Sorge, Dutch zorg, Old Norse sorg,Gothic saurga;  (v.) Middle English sorwen, Old English sorgian;  cognate with Old High German sorgôn

Sorrow to me is the the worst of all emotions. I never know who to talk to about it or how to handle it. I end up snapping at those around me and closing myself off from everyone. Six years ago today I talked to my dad for the last time. The next morning my world and my mother's world were turned upside down when dad died very suddenly of a heart attack. What made it harder for me was that the day before my dad died my best friend had my second godson. I was so excited and proud to be an aunt again!! That night I phoned my dad and was bragging to him about the baby.The last words that we ever said to each other were I love you. For me this was a rare gift. I knew my dad loved me there was never a doubt in my mind. But he wasn't one to say it often so when he did I glowed!

So much has changed in the last six years. Other family members passing, babies being born, weddings, divorces, job changes and so much more. I think dad would like where I ended up and I know he would love my husband. There is no doubt in my mind of that. 

Even now there are songs and phrases and scents that can make me feel sorrow so deep that I have to stop whatever it is that I am doing and have a good cry. It doesn't happen as often as it used to and it hits me like a freight train when it does happen but it does still happen.

I guess that I am writing this post for myself more then for anyone else. I feel that with everything going on with my health I need to get these feelings out so that tomorrow will be easier for me to deal with and I can celebrate the man he was instead of missing the man that he was. I will always love him and I will always miss him but I will also do my best to always celebrate him and make him proud even though he is no longer physically with us.

I am attaching a link to dad's obituary for those who knew him and those who didn't and would like to know a little more about him:

http://www.beaulacfuneralhome.com/obits/printpdf.php?oid=216782&cs=ca081167854fe4809cf4573a639f7a69&ap=1

A time for Joy

joy

  [joi]  Show IPA

noun

1.

the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keenpleasure; elation: She felt the joy of seeing her son's success.

2.

a source or cause of keen pleasure or delight; something or someone greatly valued or appreciated:Her prose style is a pure joy.

3.

the expression or display of glad feeling; festive gaiety.

4.

a state of happiness or felicity.

verb (used without object)

5.

to feel joy; be glad; rejoice.

Joy. Three letters. One syllable. Such a small word. Such big promise. So many things can bring us joy. For me it is my husband, my job, my fur babies, my family and friends and sunny days.

My husband is the perfect man for me. He gets my sense of humor and he encourages it. He holds me when I am weak and stands at my side when I am strong. He allows me to feel whatever I am feeling and doesn't demean me when the feelings aren't what he thinks I should be feeling. Marrying him was the best decision that I ever made. Must have been his super sensitive proposal "what do you think? Wanna get hitched?"

My job as a nanny brings me joy in more ways then I can express. Not being able to have children and being allowed to help raise these two girls is amazing. Just today the baby walked from the dining room to the living room and the pride and joy that coursed through my heart was incredible!!! And the oldest one, who is three, may not talk much but she has the BEST sense of humor and she makes me laugh daily. I am truly blessed to have these little angels in my life.

My cats bring me joy daily with their antics. Their personalities are so very different that it really does make them seem like siblings. They fight and play and cuddle and help each other and it is truly a joy to watch them together. We currently have three cats and are getting a fourth at the end of May. He will only be with us for a year but we have had him here before and are excited about having him come back!

My family brings me joy in so many ways that I don't even know where to start. I have five cousins that I consider my siblings. They, like my husband, just get me and I am so thankful for each and every one of them. They are there if I need a shoulder to lean on or a hand to hold and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they always will be. When I get together with them I know that there is going to be a lot of laughter (and maybe a couple of drinks haha). The children of these cousins are my nieces and nephews and they bring me joy in so many ways. I am so proud of each and every one of them and love them more then words can ever say. 

My friends are another extension of my family and I am so grateful to have them when things are rough and I need someone to rely on or when things are great and I want someone to have fun with. They come up with the craziest ideas and when we are together it feels like we were never apart and I am eternally grateful for each and every one of them.

Because I am known to have depression I love sunny days. It is so easy to see the beauty in the world when the day is sunny and bright and the world is warm. It makes it hard to believe that there could be anything wrong in the world on a sunny day when everything is green and kids are running and playing and laughing.

These are a few of the things in my life that bring me joy. I know that there are more but these are the ones that I most closely associate with joy.

"Nothing more then feelings"

de·pres·sion

  [dih-presh-uhn] 

noun

1.

the act of depressing.

2.

the state of being depressed.

3.

a depressed or sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.

4.

sadness; gloom; dejection.

5.

Psychiatry. a condition of general emotional dejection and withdrawal; sadness greater and moreprolonged than that warranted by any objective reason. Compare clinical depression.

6.

dullness or inactivity, as of trade.

7.

Economics . a period during which business, employment, and stock-market values decline severely orremain at a very low level of activity.

8.

the Depression, Great Depression.

9.

Pathology . a low state of vital powers or functional activity.

10.

Astronomy . the angular distance of a celestial body below the horizon; negative altitude.

11.

Surveying . the angle between the line from an observer or instrument to an object below either of them and a horizontal line.

12.

Physical Geography . an area completely or mostly surrounded by higher land, ordinarily having interior drainage and not conforming to the valley of a single stream.

13.

Meteorology . an area of low atmospheric pressure.

To those of us that have been there (and let's face it at one time or another we all have been lol) there is no worse feeling in the world. You feel helpless, lost, not worthy of love or affection or attention. And in extreme cases you may even feel suicidal. I have been there. I have had the urge to end it all. My thoughts were that no one would notice that I was gone. No one would care. Everyone would be relieved if they didn't have to worry about me anymore. They would be happy that I was gone. Each time that that these thoughts occurred to me they were followed by thoughts such as what about your parents? You are their only child. What about your cousins? It would be like losing a sister to some of them. And what about their kids? They would never know their crazy aunt (that's what I strive to be is the crazy aunt who makes them laugh). I prayed. I cried. I drank. These were my coping mechanisms for many years. 

Now that someone close to me is battling these Demons, I am scared. Scared of losing him, scared of never hearing his voice again, scared of never sharing inside jokes and the kind of laughter that only a best friend can provide. 

I am angry. Angry because I can't fix it for him. Angry because he doesn't see himself as I do. Angry because he DOES deserve the best that life can give him. Angry because life has dealt him a shitty hand in so many ways. Angry because I don't understand. Why him? Why couldn't these things have happened to me? And at the risk of offending others (and I do apologize if I do) I am angry because God, whom everyone says is a good God has heaped all of this on the head of the sweetest, most loving, kind, caring person that I know. If He is so good why has He allowed this to happen? Logically I know that it is not His fault. Sometimes it is easier to blame someone that you can't see, can't confront, can't actually hear when you talk to Him. It is easier to turn off your heart and say He doesn't hear me. He doesn't care.

I try so hard to make those around me laugh and smile and be happy. Some days I know I have succeeded. Today is not one of those days. Tomorrow I will try again and hopefully have more success. if not, there is always the next day and the one after that and the one after that. As Dory says "Just keep swimmin just keep swimmin".

So to my bestie with the Demon battle just keep swimmin my love. Tomorrow is another chance to start over and even though we are separated by many miles my heart is always with you and I'm only a phone call or Skype date away. I love you now and I'll love you always.

Things I didn't think I would ever say...

In my life I have said a lot of things that don't make sense. I know this as they are coming out of my mouth but my brain and my mouth often don't communicate. Unfortunate but true. Every once in a blue moon my husband has the same issue (as I'm sure everyone does lol). I think the two funniest things I have ever heard him say are:
1.) I told him I thought I was pregnant with an alien baby because my stomach was sick. His response? "Ok baby. I think you should have the baby and we should keep it and we should name it Gerrard." Ummm WHAT???

2.) We were discussing Valentine's day plans. He asked what day Valentine's fell on this year. I said I didn't know so he looked on his phone calendar and said (in a surprised voice I might add) "oh look! It's on the fourteenth this year!!!" Um yep that's a shocker champ.

As far as things I didn't ever think I would say here is a short list:
1.) "I don't know the answers to everything at seven in the morning? What do I look like to you? A freaking brain rocket?" Ya. That's telling  them!

2.) "Don't step on Elmo. You are going to squash your sister! " So wrong on SO many levels!

3.) Telling my husband "I'm so crazy I'm magenta YO!" I still don't know what that means...

Memories

It never fails to amaze me how sights, sounds and smells make me think of others. Right now I'm watching a children's show called Tickety Tok and there is an adorable owl that is constantly down on his luck. It makes me think of my friend MJ every time because of her love of owls. The song "Wasn't That A Party" makes me think of my dad and my uncle Gordon who both passed away in 2008. The song "Never Gonna Be Alone" makes me think of my husband who made me that promise not long after we started dating. The smell of cigarettes often make me think of my grandma. The phrase it's a little known fact makes me think of my cousin that we all affectionately call Cliffy. Her poor head is rammed full of useless facts that spice up any conversation and I love her for it! The phrase that was a heck of a deal and let me tell you why makes me smile and think of my mother in law. She loves a great deal and who can blame her lol.

Some of my favorite memories come from childhood (as I suspect many peoples do). I miss things like living in the same yard as my grandparents. I miss running and helping repair and maintain the farm equipment.

 Just last night my husband and I went to visit a friend of his from his youth and, as always, it was great to listen to them reminisce about the past and talk about their goals for the future. Admittedly some of the memories and goals were on the odd side but that is what makes them so amusing!

I remember once as a teen going fishing for the day with my parents. Dad was going to back the boat into the lake and I was to guide it off the trailer. Easy peasy right? That's what I thought until I slipped on the loading dock and was dangling by an arm hanging on to the boat and flopping around like a fish out of water. So while mom stood on shore laughing dad came into the lake to help me. He was fairly frustrated as I would imagine I was probably being a smart Alec about the whole thing. So anyhow, he comes in to "show me how it's done", slips himself and falls in the lake. There was dead silence for a split second until mom and I heard the plop! plop! of dads shoes hitting the water and saw them floating away on the lake. Then the laughter erupted from all three of us and mom and I took great pleasure in laughing about it until the day he passed away. We still share a good laugh over it every so often. :-)

Encouragement

Ok so this morning I was at my doctor's office playing on Facebook. One of the administrators of a page that I love love LOVE was enjoying my wacky sense of humor and added me as a friend (OMG TOO COOL!!!) and through various posts and comments she suggested that I start a blog. I have been thinking about doing this for some time. As a nanny and a wife and mother of three (ADORABLE) fur babies my days tend to be.... "different" shall we say. 

I love my life. The last month has been stressful due to the illness of a loved one. I feel helpless and lost a lot. I hate feeling that way. Those feelings, for me, lead to depression, anxiety attacks and small bald patches in my hair. So I have learned to cope through humor and love. 

What started off as a normal morning quickly became humorous to me when I was sitting in the waiting room of the doctors office and was scrolling around on fb. I saw something posted and thought OMG!!! I love this!!! I should share it!!! Then realized that I already had shared it and that was why it was on my timeline. I started giggling and people were looking at me funny. Did I care? Nope! I am used to it lol. Then as I was leaving the doctors office I put my purse down on a chair and put my shoes on. When I picked up my purse to leave a little girl started crying and pulling on my purse yelling "NO NO NO!!! MY BAAAAAABBBYYYYY!!!!" I was extremely confused for a second. When I looked down I realized that the little girl had set her doll on top of my purse and I was walking away with it lol.

Now here I am, safely at home, sitting on my couch listening to music on TV, and taking that awesome woman's advice and starting a blog. Thanks for the encouragement MJ!!!!